“C’mon man, get your fucking head straight!” – These are the words that I constantly spoke to myself all throughout my early and mid 20’s. My existence felt like it was something straight out of the movie Ground Hog Day, just living the same moments day after day.
Much of my days, months and years, were spent trying to take advantage of what I convinced myself were my glory days. And how did I take advantage of these days? Mostly getting stoned, partying, causing shit, and doing a massive amount of fuck all. – oh, and going for the odd run every now and then.
Now, I do believe that one can learn a lot about themselves and others by engaging with the “more playful side” of society. So no, I don’t think these early years were all wasted time.
The problem was, I started developing habits that were building a character that I would eventually come to hate. And these parts of me that I had spent so much time feeding, hung around. Always constantly lurking! – No matter how much I told myself that I am done with all the drugs, booze, and wasted time, I kept coming back like a lost puppy with no where to go.
This cycle I found myself stuck in eventually became my identity, and trying to destroy this newly created Jake became one of my greatest challenges. And because I refused to let these parts of me die, I often found myself going down self-help rabbit holes. Exploring the depths of my inner working, searching for an answer or some sort of justification on why I was the way I was… Only to come back to the person I was trying to escape.
And it was exhausting, soul sucking, and downright embarrassing. – I could not even keep my own promises, regardless of what the ancients or modern day Guru’s were saying.
This cycle of trying to overcome these parts of me I hated went on for a few years, it looked a little something like this:
Eventually, over time and with some practice, things got better. I started keeping the promises I made to myself, started standing a little taller, and even started to become excited about the person I was starting to become. And of course, my habits started changing as well.
But there was still that part of me that would come pushing its dirty little self through what I thought was the new Jake.
This part of me that I was so desperately trying to get over craves attention, acts vulgar and impulsive, doesn’t mind getting sloppy, and had no problem justifying his actions on some bullshit basis.
I seriously felt like I couldn’t escape this Jake, I started asking myself “is this really the type of man I am?” – But all that started to change when I realized that this part of me that was still clinging on to dear life, was just the old haggard zombie of the character I built up over the last 10 years. It was everything I put my time and effort into becoming. And all it wanted was its next meal.
To move forward in my life I had to dig in deep. I had to start recognizing these old parts of me, the ones that have accumulated themselves into some sort of zombie. And once I found them, I had to kill it and burn the corps
This process didn’t happen overnight, it took some time. And to be honest, in many ways I’m still working at keeping those suckers in their grave. – But what I learned during this time was that the zombies were not the habits. No, the zombies were little pieces of my character that I built up over the years, and they just used habits as a way to get their next meal.
Below are the hows and whys on why it is important to let your zombies die. – Many of the points listed below helped me, even when I had myself convinced that living a life of self-deprivation is unfortunately just the one I was given.
Why It’s Important To Let These Zombies Die:
I want you to think about your entire life for a moment. All of it, from the time you were born to this exact moment. For this quick exercise, it helps if you look at your life on a timeline, with birth on one end and this exact moment on the other. – Now start filling your timeline, with all your life experiences, everything from:
- New & old relationships
- Maybe a teenage punk phase
- Possibly some new schools
- Good moments & bad moments
- Times you have travelled or moved
- Lessons & experiences
- Losses & gains
- What ever else you can think of
However your timeline looks, these are the moments that have made you exactly who you are right now! – And when you stop and zoom out, looking at your timeline, you can see this to be true. Whether it’s going to a new school, finding a new friend group, getting into a new relationship, or even losing one. Whatever it is, the moments of our past lead us down the road to our future – Regardless of if we had control of the situation or not.
And just as the seasons change, so do our lives. Things happen, things change, and we are left constantly needing to adapt and adjust our behaviours so that we can continue moving forward.
But as we move through our life’s timeline, going from one stage to another, parts of our old selves typically catch a ride. And without a doubt these old versions that have continued to catch rides throughout our life, will almost certainly show themselves again.
We have all carried things from our old lives into our new lives. – Names, habits, relationships, identities, lies, etc… This constant carrying around of our old selves is what truly stops us from getting to the next stage. Because to really move forward and take on the next stage of life we have to let go of the parts that continue to weigh us down. As this not only causes a deep level of exhaustion spiritually and mentally, but it also stops us from moving forward physically.
These parts of your old life have served their purpose. They got you into that friend group, that you realized you didn’t like. They had you acting and saying things, even if it was for better or worse. And in many cases, they protected you. These old parts of you were crucial to becoming who you are today, weather you like it or not.
But the parts that no longer serve you, the ones that keep resurfacing and dragging you down. Well, they need to fucking die… They can no longer come for the ride.
Just as a new season decomposes the season before. You need to finish the death of the parts of yourself that are feeding off your energy.
Letting the parts of your old self die will not only give you your energy back, but it will also give you a sense of purpose and intention, because you will have a chance to rebuild.
There is a great sense of peace and respect that comes with truly letting these parts of who you once were die. This peace comes from the acknowledgement and acceptance that these old parts of you have done their job, and they can now rest. They no longer need to cling on for life.
As humans we must move on, and we must continue to live. – We have always done this, your ancestors did this, and now you need to do this.
A Brief History On Letting The Old Self Die:
This idea of the letting the old self die is not a new one. Many ancient cultures all over the world believed that life was cyclical. And for them, the act of performing rights of passages to move from one stage of life to another was foundational for their belief systems.
We can still see traces of these practices in today’s world.
In ancient Egypt these deaths of the old self happened at transformational parts of one’s life. – Marriage, parenthood, and new societal roles (military, rulership, scribe, priesthood)
We see a form of killing the old self in ancient Japanese culture with Misogi. – This is where religious followers would climb a mountain to stand under an ice-cold waterfall and chant to the Gods. The cold water and chants were believed to cleanse the mind, body, and spirit. Washing away the old ways of the person and providing a reason for renewal.
Today Misogi looks a little different, but the principle remains the same. – Now often called “The Misogi Challenge”. It requires one to set a personal goal so challenging that the chances of completing it should only be 50%. Most people who take it on set a physical goal based around exercise, but the Misogi challenge can be applied to any part of ones life.
In Christianity, the concept of killing the old self is fundamental. – One of the major foundations of being a Christian is believing in the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. We see this symbolic death of the old self in the act of baptism. Water baptism in the Christian faith is when one confesses their faith in Jesus Christ before being submerged underwater, arising cleansed of their sin. Signifying moving from one stage of life to another.
In our more modern era, many philosophers write about the death of oneself. – The most famous reference is Carl Jungs “Ego Death” – The Ego Death or sometimes called the “psychic death”, is a concept that an individual’s conscious identity (who we think we are) will go through periods where it will be ripped apart and die off. This death is crucial so that the true parts of the subconscious (who we really are) can emerge closer to the surface.
Carl Jung believed that the ego death was not destructive, but transformative and necessary for one to rebuild and move forward in life with a more honest identity.
These ideas of killing one’s old self, so that new growth can occur, is something that has been fundamental to the human spirit throughout time. Carrying around your old zombies is a very tiresome and soul sucking task, that will affect all areas of your life. Mind, Body, and Soul.
How To Kill Your Zombies:
We live our entire life gathering experiences, but not everything we experience needs to stay with us. As we move through our lives, we should learn how to let the zombies of our past die. – There are many ways to finish these deaths of the old self, but for the sake of simplicity, I’m going to provide a loose outline, so that any person who is struggling with the exhaustion of carrying the zombies of their past, can start working on letting them die
The process of letting your zombies die requires (3) very important sections:
- Beginning: Identification & preparation
- Middle: Acknowledgment & action
- End: Acceptance & moving on
Please note that this process can take time, with each step requiring its own unique personal attention. There are no short cuts. To truly move forward and let the zombies of your past die, you need to go into each step with intention, attention, and most importantly patience.
The Beginning: Identification & Preparation
Starting anything in life can be difficult, but starting the process of letting the zombies of your past die can be exceptionally challenging. One will know they are ready to let these zombies die when they are experiencing what can only be described as spiritual exhaustion. – This is when you are feeling drained from carrying around all the baggage of the past.
Overtime this baggage can shows itself in an accumulation of bad habits, a consistent feeling of guilt, harbored resentment and even apathy.. – these actions and feelings are only symptoms of the problem. The problem is that your zombie is feeding on you. And chances are, it has been there for a while.
When these moments of our past continually resurface it’s very hard to move on. With every twitch and moan from the zombies of the old self, we are more likely to give it what it wants. And what it wants is to feed on the familiarity of one’s old ways.
To prepare for the death of the old self, one must first do the following:
- Identify your zombies: What are you needing to move on from?
- Understand what it means for these zombies to die: You will be sacrificing the comfort!
- Solidify your decision: Make a pact with yourself that this is going to happen and treat it with the outmost honesty and importance.
Success in this step is all about honesty and patients. Take the time to be honest with yourself. What is it exactly that you are needing to move on from? – For example, if you have a habit of lying, due to a fear of rejection. The zombie you feel you may need to kill could be called “lying”. But lying is just a behaviour of the true zombie. Which in this example is fear of rejection.
The Middle: Acknowledgment & Action
Once you have, honestly and diligently, identified the zombies of your old ways. And you feel confident enough to move on and let them finish their death, it is now time to take the action. Just as how everything about this process is personal, how you decide to finish these deaths is no exception and requires you to do what feels right.
There are only (2) actions one needs to take during this middle section of the process. – These are as follows:
- Calling out the zombie by name
- Letting the zombie die
Calling out the zombie by name, is essentially just acknowledging the parts of your old self that have accumulated over the years. You acknowledge these parts of your old self by clearly and concisely laying out everything that these old parts of you did. The language it used, the habits it created, the good times, the bad times. This is the time to lay it all out there, confess everything, as you are truly saying your final words – You can do this by writing a letter, recording yourself, or through prayer.
Letting the zombie die, is the actual act of killing the old parts of you. Once you have called your zombie out by name, it is now time to finish its death. What you want to do, is take what ever means you used to call your zombie out and destroy it. – You can do this by fire, burying it, or through a vow of devotion.
Example: Building off the example given above about lying. You are going to want to grab a pen and some paper. Now write down in detail your acknowledgement that you carry a fear of rejection. Bringing attention to the fact that because of this fear, you have developed habits like lying and being decitful, and have acted in ways you normally wouldn’t. – Once all is acknowledged and written down, you burn this paper symbolizing that this is no longer who you want to be.
This part of the process is the actual acceptance of the death, it is the signifying promise you are making to yourself that you are ready for the next stage of your life, that who you once were is not who you always need to be.
I feel it is important to make a reminding note. – This is not a process that should be treated as quick fix. Rooting up your old self can be ugly stuff. I have yet to see a good looking zombie.
The End: Acceptance & Moving On
Now that we have acknowledged our zombies and put them to rest. We now must start living our life without them. At first, this may feel easy, and unbothersome. But as time passes it proves to be the hardest part of the process. Because we now must start putting this newly released energy back into our daily life.
This part of the process is all about moving on.
To move through this stage of the process you must first understand that things are likely going to be different for a little while. It’s most likely that the zombie or zombies you just put to rest, provided you comfort. And because you have promised to commit to this change, they are no longer available.
So, it is up to you as the free human to figure out what your next steps are. Take your time with this. Try hard not to fill your time with easy distractions and noise. You can, and should, spend this time in silence and learn how to be okay with being bored. – It will provide you with a sense of clarity.
Once you figure out what is truly important to you, and what kind of character you want to develop. Then and only then, should you start committing and adding things to your new life. Otherwise, you will rush from one thing into another. Looking to fill your time with new meaning, never really feeling fulfilled.
Tips on how to move on without your zombies:
- Create a simple routine: Focus on the routines in your day-to-day life that can keep you anchored.
- Don’t indulge on easy distractions: Don’t replace Friday night clubbing with weekend scrolling.
- Identify the character you want to build: Spend quality time thinking about the type of person you truly want to become.
- Get okay with missing out: Parts of your old life will come knocking from time to time, get comfortable with saying “y’all go on without me”
- Go back to the foundations: Establish practices that build on your mind, body, and spirit.
Do not become the person who is addicted to the act of constant death and rebirth. Stay committed to your promises and enjoy this new stage of life one day at a time. Trust me, the zombies of tomorrow will naturally accumulate, giving you a chance to repeat this process again. Accepting change in life is very much about having the knowledge to understand that change is needed. The wisdom to know what it is that needs to be changed. And courage to make the change.
But for now, be present, be committed and don’t go digging up the past.
One Proud Human,